Some people say that they would not change anything in their lives if given the opportunity. I don’t think I’m one of those people. See, I’ve done plenty that I regret. When I look back over my life, I think of periods that I wish I could remove. Periods when I was away from God, when I did things I’d rather not speak of, much less remember. Periods when I’ve lost my temper and did or said things that I immediately regretted. Why wouldn’t I want to change those things? Wouldn’t you? Is there some reason that I would want to keep those bad things in my life?
Well, as I write this I am reminded that God uses everything to His glory. That means he uses both good and bad in our lives. So I suppose the question is: “When I look back over my life, can I see where he did that for me?” Well, in 2001 I found myself in a situation where I was barely in church and not living for God. I started hanging out with people who were also not in church and who had absolutely no desire to live for God. My foundation was weak, and they tore me down. I found myself, a “Christian” mind you, in seedy places. I saw things that I never should have seen, and went places I never should have been. I know that God did not put me on this earth to hang around places like that. So, if I could take back that time in my life I’m pretty sure I should, and would.
However, nothing with God is ever as cut and dry as that. You see, three years later I had begun fully living for God. I was involved in my church, worked in the college ministry, and really had a desire to see people come to know the love of Christ. One night, I was involved in a very sincere and heartfelt conversation with a friend. My friend was misunderstood about me and my life. He had this big idea that I had never struggled with sin. He had not met the older me, and just knew the man he saw before him. As our conversation continued, the opportunity came for me to share with him my previous struggles. When I opened up to him, he told me that he had been dealing with the same issues. I didn’t know that, but God did. I suppose it was that conversation that allowed my friend to see what God could do in someone when allowed to work, and it was only a few nights later that my friend gave his life to Christ. God used my sin to His glory!
What about other sins? I mean my struggles didn’t stop in 2001, they still haven’t stopped. I struggle daily with battles from the enemy. Some days I feel like I’m the victor and sometimes I feel utterly defeated. You see, it’s been a long time since I updated this site. In that time, I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life. My marriage of nearly five years crumbled and ended, I changed jobs, moved to a new city, and am literally starting over fresh in almost every human aspect of my life. In my spiritual journey, I’ve found myself in the driest of times, and I’ve found times when I just cry because of God’s presence. I yearn for where I used to be with Him. Surely, God would want me to go back and change things so that I never feel defeated, right? Actually, as I think about it, maybe he wouldn’t.
I believe God revealed to me that the past is just that, in the past. I know that doesn’t sound profound, but realizing it can really make you feel better. See, I messed up and did not always follow His will, but now is not the time to dwell on it. God wants me to move on. He wants me to realize that no one in this world is perfect, not me, not my family, not my friends, and not even my pastor. God is the only perfection, and we are all going to mess up. I think God just wants us to lay aside all the imperfections in our lives, and start fresh with Him. I believe it’s time to move forward in life with our lord, our shield, our strength, and our refuge with us.
So, looking back I suppose that if given the opportunity I would not change a single thing. I may not be proud of some of the things that I’ve done. I may not be happy with some of the periods in my life, but I know that it’s too late to worry about them now. God will be glorified through them, and in spite of them, and that gives me comfort.
Image Credit: http://scienceblogs.com
Filed under: Blog
This is right up my alley…I’ve been struggling with the same thing lately. I’ve heard friends say they would never change anything in their past because it has made them who they are today. And I’m amazed by that! Because I can’t remember my past without thinking of a million things I wish I could do over.
You’re right…the past IS the past. We can’t do anything about it but move on and leave it behind. It’s just sometimes that’s easier said than done.
After all I’ve gone through…after growing up in church and everything I knew…when I think of things that I’ve done, I just feel so unworthy and wonder why God would ever want me because of all my mistakes.
But what you said is so encouraging. And it’s not that I’m happy you struggle with things…but it’s always encouraging to hear when someone else is going through stuff and making it through. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I understand where you’re coming from Lisa. I wish I could say that I do not struggle anymore, but that would be a lie. I once heard that if Satan isn’t messing with you then you are not doing anything for God. I’m not saying that I’m doing amazing things for God right now, but I know He has plans for me to do so! All I have to do is trust and follow. The same is true for all of us. In order for us to move forward, we have to let go of what’s behind. I’m glad this has encouraged you!
Everyone has their own struggles; most people more than you may think. I absolutely know what you mean. Anyone who cannot understand where you’re coming from has been living in a cave somewhere.
We all ARE unworthy.. but the amazing thing about God is that He loves us anyway. No one will be able to keep from falling short, but anyone who wants it can be forgiven and have their sins and struggles not only forgiven but forgotten!! What a wonderful thing!
Kristina, you’re exactly right!